Apr. 2nd, 2001

Do I project from my own inadequacies, some air of false (or rather selective) brilliance onto other people I feel are 'better' than me?

Do I put people on a pedestal, does it make them uncomfortable a little? I am a complete hypocrite when it comes to how people should be perceived - no-one can truly be objective enough to judge themselves, except me. Arrogance. It's quite overwhelming when put in those terms, really..

When you see and value people so highly, should you try to express it? Does it pressure them to feel obliged to live up to standards they themselves feel may not be attainable, even though I think they've already exceeded them?

I'm not sure what the answer is. There are plenty of people around my life, and a few in particular linked as my friends here, who I feel more respect and admiration for than I could try to describe. Is that unfair on them, to lodge my hopes and thoughts with them? Is it just a substitute from examining why I can't lodge these hopes with my own life?

I've wondered a while if I'm desperate for these people, my friends, to succeed just so I can have some inkling of a thought that one day in the past I had been there for them, and that might somehow give me some validation for my life. What better way to justify some wretched existence than pointing at someone who's truly talented and and feeling some tiny amount of shared pride, of thinking that even for one minute of one day in the past, that person had leant on you and you hadn't buckled? And of course, there's some implicit assumption in there that these friends of mine have such a great chance of actually achieving their dreams (which of course they do) whereas mine already lie in tatters around me. Am I so soulless I feel destined to fail at everything but 'being there' in some minor way, a footnote in someone's biography?

In a way having so little self worth seems like a strong source of selfishness - other people having to do the work and gain the success in order to validate me? I don't feel like I'm fair to the people who know me a lot of the time.

But then, again, maybe I have to accept that that isn't for me to judge.

Time for bed. Love to you all.
I've got a paid account for a few months to try.

So, might as well make use of it.

[Poll #325]



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