May. 12th, 2001

Currently trying to decide whether to keep my paid account or not. Polls were quite fun, but I don't think I entertain enough lurkers who are willing to vote, to make it worthwhile.. decisions, decisions.

On Thursday I went to see Paul play a gig in a pub in Angel. He is pretty amazing, and if there is any justice will be famous (to the extent that 'folk' music singer-songwriters can be). I once played penny whistle with him at a gig in the Cambridge Folk Club, but I was amazingly bad and he never asked again ;) But, anyway. I bought his cd from him and am currently listening to it. Some strange memories from his earlier songs.. some of them have been around for a few years now, and I remember him playing them so many times, officially and not. Brings back memories of places and people long forgotten. I sometimes think I hide from memories a lot. Then sometimes the detatchment between past events and the feelings associated with them comes crashing down and I do end up thinking about how I felt in particular situations.

I'm not sure I was ever that happy at university. It's strange to think back and try to place the overall experience in a box, but I sometimes wonder if I've ever really been happy, or if I'm just bimbling along in some cloud of semi-aware existance? Then again, there's a phrase from a film (and said film's title) that has stuck with me - the only line of the film which really has - when Jack Nicholson has just been chucked out of his psychiatrist's office and turns to the queue and asks "What if this is as good as it gets?"

Is there some hopelessly optimistic desire for a perfect life I will never find? Is the desire for life to be better never going to stop - and do I want it to? I know recently I have been more restless than I ever have before, and am very thankful and needing of this bout of single life. I'm also discovering something I've never really noticed in myself before - ambition. It's been easy up to now to be pushed around and pushed along in my life - school, university, sport, whatever.. and now, I seem to be actually doing things because I want to and not because I think other people want me to. The way my job is going, for example. I was worried when I got what I thought would be my ideal job that I would just settle back into satisfaction.. but I haven't by a long road. Just about the opposite, in fact. Is this confidence?

Anyway, got absolutely lashed last night with Adrian, a friend from the Cambridge office. Always good to talk to him - he's about as cynical about things as I am, and we think very alike about so many things. I should face the fact that I can't in fact afford to get lashed this often - either financially or physically - but it's something I neglected far too much in Cambridge.

My sister is coming to see me today. It will be very nice to see her.. I think it's the first time in a long while that we've both been single. She's not staying over, so we can't go out on the piss together (damn me, stop thinking about beer and women with skimpy tops and buying a decent tin whistle and casual sex and going exercising before work and getting a hair cut, and start getting rid of this hangover)


I haven't quoted a song for a while in my journal, so here's one I really love.

(It's not that I'm agrophobic it's just that it's not safe to go out anymore so I stay indoors with my TV Times, my petty crimes and my nursery rhymes, someone said that the sound of a baby crying is the most beautiful sound in the world and beauty is in the eye of the beholder but as my heart grows colder I just feel so tired. The fridge is empty, the walls are damp, there's no hot water and I look like a tramp and tramps like us baby we were born to walk but where does a mother's girl go when her mother's gone? Some you win and some you lose I've spent my whole lifetime falling on a bruise and if I had the chance to do it all again I'd change everything)
[Poll #850]

where the fuck is the poll, then?

Well, it's here, if anyone cares to look.

Hopefully it'll reappear soon.



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