[personal profile] typisch
I'm better than when I wrote the last entry. Thank you to so many wonderful people.

I've been reevaluating myself a lot recently. Today, again, I had to stop and change my opinion of myself (not in a good way, but hey). I don't really know what to think of myself (but I do know that pride comes before a fall, and having hinted at gaining some confidence it was always going to end in tears).

I still don't think I live for myself enough. I also don't have any inclination to change this fact - if anything, as things happen, I want to go more towards the extreme where I exist only as an extension of other people's lifes.

The problem is, of course, that requires me to survive when people don't want me.

I've always had to cope with a strange dynamic within myself - I quite often want to be alone, just to do whatever the hell I want to (usually sleep) and not feel bad that someone else is having to put up with it. But at the same time I want to be there for other people whenever possible - people who I care so deeply for.

Can you ask people to let you in, whilst keeping them out? I guess that's where I've been floating around at for a long time - though some people do get let into my world, I'm sure it bores them senseless and so conversation gets steered back to them. I can't talk about myself to individuals. That in a way is why this journal is so good. I want people to read it - or at least, I want people to want to read it - and I'm (sometimes alarmingly) honest in it.

I don't want people to read this and think I need help or comfort. I'm not feeling bad any more, nowhere near. I know how special my friends are and how much I care for them, and somewhere deep down some part of me can accept they (you..) feel something similar about me. But to my mind, this is the person I am. I'm not sure how many of you realise it, or perhaps want to realise it. Maybe I come across is different ways to different people. But fundamentally I am not that great, not that wonderful, but just a guy who has just one strategy to survive life: to be there for anyone who needs a shoulder, an ear, a cuddle.

That's it.

Date: 2001-06-01 10:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] carezza.livejournal.com
You said that you are always honest in your journal. I thought I owed you an honest reply.

"She assures me that one day, when I've worked out a philosophy to live by and found the things I like to do, I will be happy, I will be fine." (Prozac Nation, what else?)

Last night I wrote a three thousand-word entry around this idea. Yet I deleted it in the early hours of the morning, because I realised that everything which I had written was just wrong. As ever, the truths which hit you in the night are usually the most valuable (forget that 4pm on an idle Tuesday nonsense). Life isn't about rushing to realise the meaning, or your own personal meaning which you find in it. As ever, it's the process of making such small discoveries which make it both bearable, and at times, worth seeing through to the end. There is no need to formulate a philosophy, and keep to it through hell and high water.

It's true that no man is an island, but I don't think it's as simple as that. Perhaps we are all just glaciers floating around in a chaotic mix of currents, occasionally touching each other, or even fusing together, perhaps drifting by. Perhaps I'm bullshitting again. But the point which I am trying to make it that there's only so much point in spending time building elaborate and complex bridges towards other people, if we don't spend time exploring our own island - coming to terms with what we are, and what's within us. I think you realise this, judging by the fact that you feel torn between the need to spend time alone while not wanting to remain so. To summarise, we can't exist purely in terms of other people. Life isn't like that. You are the only constant which you will have throughout.

I consider you a close friend for the same reasons which I would consider anyone else so. I don't see you just as someone to cuddle, or someone to lean on in the rough patches; if you turned round to me tomorrow and told me that you never wanted to touch me again, nor talk me through the bad times, I doubt that it would alter the dynamic that much. As everyone else does, I see that side of you as just that - a side of you, not the entirety. You are an amazing person. You make me smile. I love just being with you, talking to you, getting drunk with you, walking around London with you. You don't need to consider yourself a support mechanism, and nothing else. You mean so much more than that to so many people, I promise.

I feel very guilty about writing this, because I think that turning around and telling someone that the way they feel might not be 'right' is a fairly antisocial thing to do, but I started off by saying that I would be honest, and I am being so. There's no need to be afraid of being introspective, and we all need to be, at least some of the time; this needn't preclude being there for others, as you put it. It's all too easy to make excuses for not facing yourself - trust me, I'm a hypocrite, I do it all the time, even if it is for less magnanimous reasons. However, if you do take the opportunity to look closely at who you are beyond the relationships which you have formed, I know that what you will find is an interesting, loving, warm, [insert nice adjective of your choice here - you've probably switched off by now] person. I'm not just saying this to cheer you up, because, as you said yourself, you don't need it right now. But I think, in the long run, you need to see yourself less in terms of others, and more as an individual. It is not egotistical, nor self-centred, to do so.

Feel free to find me on ICQ later and tell me to FOAD. But remember that while I can express just about everything which I feel through my writing, if I had to tell you how much I love you, I wouldn't know where to start.



Date: 2001-06-01 10:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] carezza.livejournal.com
and I just realised that my comment was longer than the original post. it's bullshit. delete at will.



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