![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Apr. 20th, 2001
(no subject)
Apr. 20th, 2001 05:57 pmI'm in a very weird mood. Thoughts of friends lost are haunting me again, a cloud of hatred, loss of respect and obvious lies. *sigh* I've walked away from very few people in my life - substantially less than have walked away from me. More friends still, contact has just lessened and lessened and who knows where they are now? (Other than one is on a Disney Cruise ship, somewhere).
I guess it's far worse when I do know exactly where they are, and know I would be physically sick/petrified/crucified to see them again.
Of course, just about the only reassuring thought in all this, is the confidence they won't for a moment be thinking the same things about me.
I sometimes wonder if I could walk through the streets of Newark as I am now, and actually be recognised by anyone I called a friend, once upon a time. I can think of maybe 4 people I still know at all there.. 4 people when we used to get 30, 40 of us down the pub on a saturday night, and still meet other friends every step of the way. Now my real life friends - friends who exist outside my computer - I can count with my fingers.
Acquaintances, perhaps I have plenty of them. But then, does any of this matter? Can my nice well-known online personality make up for any deficiency in my real life? Who needs Vitamin E anyway.
If all that you really live for is friendship, I suppose losing a friend really is a little bit of you dying.
But, back to online reality. I'm a pervert, which is always lovely to know.. I also need a shave and a lot of sleep and some money. (Quite a bit of money, truth be told).
I have decided not to go back to Edinburgh in the near future. Too much hurt stored up there.
Maybe I'll try avoiding Newark too (poor parents). Not to mention Surrey.
What I'd really like to avoid is myself, of course..
(I realise this isn't quite the same level as 'Bum'. Sorry. I'm sure I can feel bouncy and juvenile again soon.)
I guess it's far worse when I do know exactly where they are, and know I would be physically sick/petrified/crucified to see them again.
Of course, just about the only reassuring thought in all this, is the confidence they won't for a moment be thinking the same things about me.
I sometimes wonder if I could walk through the streets of Newark as I am now, and actually be recognised by anyone I called a friend, once upon a time. I can think of maybe 4 people I still know at all there.. 4 people when we used to get 30, 40 of us down the pub on a saturday night, and still meet other friends every step of the way. Now my real life friends - friends who exist outside my computer - I can count with my fingers.
Acquaintances, perhaps I have plenty of them. But then, does any of this matter? Can my nice well-known online personality make up for any deficiency in my real life? Who needs Vitamin E anyway.
If all that you really live for is friendship, I suppose losing a friend really is a little bit of you dying.
But, back to online reality. I'm a pervert, which is always lovely to know.. I also need a shave and a lot of sleep and some money. (Quite a bit of money, truth be told).
I have decided not to go back to Edinburgh in the near future. Too much hurt stored up there.
Maybe I'll try avoiding Newark too (poor parents). Not to mention Surrey.
What I'd really like to avoid is myself, of course..
(I realise this isn't quite the same level as 'Bum'. Sorry. I'm sure I can feel bouncy and juvenile again soon.)
