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Jun. 1st, 2001 02:48 pmI'm better than when I wrote the last entry. Thank you to so many wonderful people.
I've been reevaluating myself a lot recently. Today, again, I had to stop and change my opinion of myself (not in a good way, but hey). I don't really know what to think of myself (but I do know that pride comes before a fall, and having hinted at gaining some confidence it was always going to end in tears).
I still don't think I live for myself enough. I also don't have any inclination to change this fact - if anything, as things happen, I want to go more towards the extreme where I exist only as an extension of other people's lifes.
The problem is, of course, that requires me to survive when people don't want me.
I've always had to cope with a strange dynamic within myself - I quite often want to be alone, just to do whatever the hell I want to (usually sleep) and not feel bad that someone else is having to put up with it. But at the same time I want to be there for other people whenever possible - people who I care so deeply for.
Can you ask people to let you in, whilst keeping them out? I guess that's where I've been floating around at for a long time - though some people do get let into my world, I'm sure it bores them senseless and so conversation gets steered back to them. I can't talk about myself to individuals. That in a way is why this journal is so good. I want people to read it - or at least, I want people to want to read it - and I'm (sometimes alarmingly) honest in it.
I don't want people to read this and think I need help or comfort. I'm not feeling bad any more, nowhere near. I know how special my friends are and how much I care for them, and somewhere deep down some part of me can accept they (you..) feel something similar about me. But to my mind, this is the person I am. I'm not sure how many of you realise it, or perhaps want to realise it. Maybe I come across is different ways to different people. But fundamentally I am not that great, not that wonderful, but just a guy who has just one strategy to survive life: to be there for anyone who needs a shoulder, an ear, a cuddle.
That's it.
I've been reevaluating myself a lot recently. Today, again, I had to stop and change my opinion of myself (not in a good way, but hey). I don't really know what to think of myself (but I do know that pride comes before a fall, and having hinted at gaining some confidence it was always going to end in tears).
I still don't think I live for myself enough. I also don't have any inclination to change this fact - if anything, as things happen, I want to go more towards the extreme where I exist only as an extension of other people's lifes.
The problem is, of course, that requires me to survive when people don't want me.
I've always had to cope with a strange dynamic within myself - I quite often want to be alone, just to do whatever the hell I want to (usually sleep) and not feel bad that someone else is having to put up with it. But at the same time I want to be there for other people whenever possible - people who I care so deeply for.
Can you ask people to let you in, whilst keeping them out? I guess that's where I've been floating around at for a long time - though some people do get let into my world, I'm sure it bores them senseless and so conversation gets steered back to them. I can't talk about myself to individuals. That in a way is why this journal is so good. I want people to read it - or at least, I want people to want to read it - and I'm (sometimes alarmingly) honest in it.
I don't want people to read this and think I need help or comfort. I'm not feeling bad any more, nowhere near. I know how special my friends are and how much I care for them, and somewhere deep down some part of me can accept they (you..) feel something similar about me. But to my mind, this is the person I am. I'm not sure how many of you realise it, or perhaps want to realise it. Maybe I come across is different ways to different people. But fundamentally I am not that great, not that wonderful, but just a guy who has just one strategy to survive life: to be there for anyone who needs a shoulder, an ear, a cuddle.
That's it.
